Sheep

I used to be fairly religious. No really, I’m not kidding! However, this was a result of my mother being well aware that at the tender and impressionable age of around six a figure such as ‘God’ would be really appealing, considering the other imaginary creations abound in my imagination. (That tooth fairy bitch still scares the shit out of me, being so close to my head whilst I sleep peacefully. Is that how people die in their sleep?)

But, with the advantage of growing up with a fairly sensible mind, that is capable of forming its own opinions and feelings, I looked at the whole Christianity thing and shuddered. And it’s not just the Jesus lovers that stir a certain strain of anger within me, but any and all organised religion.

“Oh but Mike, you don’t understand! It’s all about the leap of faith!” I hear you scream at your monitor, trying to force your beliefs upon my perfectly happy mind. “Wait!” I reply, “A leap of faith you say? Well what a perfect justification for dedicating your whole life to pissing everyone off with your oh so considerate worry for where we’ll end up once we’ve kicked the bucket.

Apart from the fact that all these people are nearly dead, has no-one stopped to think how 'Gods' benevolence brought the torture of Songs of Praise to the world?

This isn’t so much a rant on religion. Some people just need religion in their lives to find a purpose, just like a sixty year old man whose wife has lost her sex drive has to rely on Amsterdam’s finest export or how students need a certain amount of daytime television to cope with the vast amounts of work that drinking and love-making entail.

But the problem for me here is the people who preach their view on the world, and allow for no argument to silence them, and have so little respect for the way other humans choose to live their lives. It makes the Klu Klux Klan come across as a collection of mature, conscientious adults.

Whilst grabbing some lunch last week, I witnessed a horrifically ugly man and his horrifically ugly wife walk up outside the pizza shop. Whilst waiting for the pizza to cook, we watched as this man pulled out a small book, stood in the middle of the square and immediately began preaching. Words from the Bible, words that he has lived by, words that have seen him lead a happy and successful life – and here he was! Telling us lucky pedestrians how we could also walk into the path of righteousness beside him!

Now. As much as I don’t want to compare my quality of life to someone else’s, at that moment in time I was 98.4% sure that no matter what he said, the fact that he was shouting to terrified people as they walked past, and the fact that he looked like the hobo who is beaten up near the beginning of A Clockwork Orange completely contradicted the so called happiness he claimed God had brought him.

This here is an example of the average Christian's sense of humour - I would like to suggest that death has more comedic appeal.

So, don’t take it the wrong way if you’re of a religious nature. Whatever makes you happy, really. But the moment you start trying to force other people into your lifestyle, is the moment you become just another member of religion’s S.S. I’ll close with a quote from L. Ron Hubbard. He might have been a mental, and he might have come up with one of the most laughable celebrity religions, but he was right when he said one thing: “The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion.”