Queening.

Unfortunately for Elizabeth, the paparazzi caught her having a cheeky peek at Phillip's duke.

Here in England we seem to have a certain reverence for members of the older generation. Be it because they were in some war or something, or the fact that we just can't help but love a bag of wrinkles that pisses itself. And there is one old person that rises up above all the others. She is to geriatrics what Christ is to christians. She is the queen.

A woman (yes, a woman) held in such high regard that she has two birthdays a year. Two birthdays. Given that our birthdays are the only day we look forward to in our miserable struggle through endless days of the routine of wash, work, wank this is a pretty big deal.

You see, I wouldn't mind so much if she actually served a purpose. There was a time (I know this to be true because I've seen it in those Hollywoods films) when kings and queens kicked arse. I mean really kicked arse. Take Henry VIII for example. He spent his entire reign being a complete and utter bastard. Ironically, we Brits remain more proud of those days, when a king could chop a womans head off just because she didn't cook his veal properly (a perfectly justified reaction) than our standard of Britishness today. Therefore I'd like to suggest a direct correlation between the bastardedness of royalty to the sheer awesomeness of Britain.

Despite the clothes being extremely distasteful, what you see here is the image of a perfect man.

But alas, apart from being the subject of a woefully depressing film starring another old woman who cries a lot all the queen is now good for is waving. How have we let this happen? How, in the space of 499 years can you go from being able to kill people for fun, to having pretty much the same purpose as one of those big thumbs you get at the ball games?

The trouble is, this whole idea of having royalty is so outdated. It's a great idea if she has the power to kill at will, but in this day and age she probably has to ask permission to fart. And what happens if there's no one around to ask? Will the methane build up inside her until the pressure is too much and she explodes, covering the throne with queeny goodness? At the end of the day, all she's good for providing entertainment for Japanese tourists.

Despite so much resentment for the old girl, I would still love to sit down and have a quick chat with her, probably over a selection of gay foodstuffs such as caviar and horse testicles. Subjects I'd love to cover would include what she does with all that free time, (my wild imagination leads me to believe she runs a part time porn industry, with Prince Charles dressed up in a gimp suit, and doing all the paperwork. Yeah yeah, I know I've got issues.) what she honestly thinks of poor people, and whether her toilet is golden, and if this therefore means that whenever she pops off for a piss, if she is having what is commonly known as a "golden shower".

Blogger

Some of you might have noticed that for this blog we have been using Blogger. And it's absolutely rubbish. Whilst I agree that it is a very easy program to use and ideal for bloggers who are new, but for people who have been blogging for a while it is starting to grate.

For one, everytime a picture is included in the post or a list or a video, the space between the text shortens in comparision to the text before it. This might be nit-pickity to some but it looks really unprofessional and annoying. Other issues include pictures that didn't appear (on Tuesday, a picture on the post regarding baby names refused to work alltogether. And some of the default skins are absolutely hideous! The worst of these is one called Dots. Quite frankly it makes me want to destroy things in a violent rage. I also am getting sick of my blog being associated with Google.

There are many alternatives out there that now surpass Blogger in what they can do for the blog creator. One such blog engine is Wordpress. This summer I will be looking to move my own blog onto Wordpress because it just looks better. Take such example blogs like A Reminder and Twelve Major Chords for example. It makes Blogger look like a weakling.

If there is one thing that Blogger does have, it is that it isn't something like LiveJournal. Why I would want to have my blogs on a community that involve loads of slash fiction groups and Doctor Who/David Tennant drooling groups, I don't really know.

Sleepless nights

Is could possibly be the most annoying thing to happen in the world. Nicely tucked up in bed been asleep for an hour or two then all of a sudden you need the toilet (I find this is made a lot worse when it is cold outside. The colder it is the longer the walk to the toilet is) or someone or something wakes you up. Not too bad you’re thinking then you try to get back to sleep and it just doesn’t happen. I find once I’m up I’m up not of’s or but’s I just cant get back to sleep. It happened a couple if nights ago, one of my ever so friendly housemates decided to get me up once he had finished work at a pub. So after a couple of hours of drunken chat he decided I was allowed to go back to bed because he was tired (nice of him I know). So clambered back into bed and no matter what I tried it just wasn’t happening I was left to see the rest of the night out brilliant!

What seems to make it worse is the fact the next days or if you’re even unluckier for the next couple of days you will be tired and just want to sleep all the time. Why would your body do this to you? It actually makes no sense. Why on some nights is it so easy to fall asleep? Could it be the mind playing tricks on you or the fact you just fancy torturing yourself for a little bit.

I feel incredibly sorry for anyone who would suffers from insomnia. Taking a quote from the Fightclub, “when you have insomnia you are never really awake or asleep”. Probably the worst thing in an insomnia sufferer’s life is actually having to go to bed, you wouldn’t really want to wish that upon anyone, as sleeping is fantastic you cant beat it, so why would something no-one can really explain take it away?

VOTE FAT ARSE JEANS TODAY

Skinny jeans, they're everywhere and I hate them. How on earth did it become fashionable for men to emphasise their scrawny little chicken legs in these shrink wrap pin huggers. Do people really find this attractive or does anyone else just think it resembles an underdeveloped 8yr old on his way to a mother imposed ballet lesson? There is also the issue of the overexposed unmentionables. Boys, with only a tiny layer of denim strapped across your bits you aren't leaving much up to the imagination, which is fine if your hung like a donkey, but lets be honest, are you?

Skinny Jeans are clearly just another retail money wrangling machine, they take half as much fabric to make, but still maintain a sale price that verges on extortion. And you've fallen for it, all of you, you useless bloody, fashion foolish sheep! Planning your next trip to Topman so you strut around with your bowed legs and your nads in my face, thinking your all in the frickin Klaxons. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU ALL.

Whats worse, women are at it too and whilst 2% of the country with supermodel legs can actually pull the look off, the rest of you, I'm afraid, are just kidding yourselves. There is little worse that being subject the effect of one womens fat arse being squeezed into these hideous garments. What on earth possesses a fat person to even consider something that is clearly labeled skinny? Stop this madness now. VOTE FAT-ARSE JEANS TODAY!

Seriously what possesses you?

The Price of Public Transport!!!

As a person who has to take public transport on a regular basis there is one thing that gives on my nerves so much (apart from their inefficiency) is the prices of tickets! If the government want us to use public transport more often and our car less, surely they should lower the prices! For example; From Brockenhurst to London Waterloo the average price for a return ticket is £30!

But, then the buses around my area is even worse. From Lymington to Brockenhurst (about 4 miles) single journey will cost you around £3. That is an outrageous price when you think the petrol for a car would cost less, so if the government want us to use public transport rather than or car then they need to think less about all the profit they will make and think about lowering prices to make it easier to travel around.

Luckily though, for me, I have a young persons railcard, which is an amazing thing to have if you are the right age. It gives you a third off all rail fares. However, even then prices cab be extortionate. I was looking into getting the train up to Newcastle from Farnham. For a single to Newcastle they want to charge me £28 with the railcard or for an open return they want to charge me £72. I know that when you work out the cost of running a car (tax, insurance, mot, mechanical work etc) public transport would probably come up cheaper. But then you consider the advantages of running a car:

1. The comfort; A car in general is more comfortable than train, and is definitely more comfortable than a bus.
2. Ease off travel: It is easier and more convenient to travel by car because you can park closer to your destination and you are not set to such a strict timetabel as you would be with public transport due top train and bus times!

There are many other reasons why cars can be seen as more practical, although on the other hand you could argue there are advantages to trains and buses, such as the lack of having to pay for parking and you don't need to find a parking space.

But, when it comes down to it, if the government want us to use public transport they need to think about making services more regular but more importantly, cheaper!!!

The False Perception

I hate how some people earn more money for doing less and some people earn less money for doing more. The media presents footballers and so called athletes as role models for younger generations to aspire to. This sickens me when society’s real heroes are our doctors, fire-fighters and policemen.

Let me put this into context, a premiership footballer on average is set to receive just under £700,000 a year, and this is not including all corporate sponsors. Their job involves running in circles, kicking a ball, learning how to fall over without injury and learning how to fall over pretending to have an injury. This is a useless skill. This does not change my life for the better. This does not save or affect the lives of others. A medical professional on the other hand is set to earn an average of £100,000 a year. This is surprising when they have to go through years of training and experience some of the most horrific of scenes. Don’t get me wrong, this is still a fairly respectable wage, but why have we not got our priorities right? I always thought that sport was a bit like game, for fun with no politics and no discrimination.


This was Pepsi Advert which starred some footballers, I don't know who they are, just as well really.


I don’t want to sound or act like some idealist, but I can’t help but feel sorry for doctors and nurses who day in, day out help the less fortunate, who obviously are more educated, more integral to today’s society; but are at a less appreciated level. I am never clear on how to rant on this particular subject, I think it’s too much of an obvious problem. I just hope that other people can see this for themselves. But all is not lost. Perhaps footballers can engage the brain and use their fame for a better cause, perhaps give away their wages to people who actually work? It’s just a suggestion.

Buses

I think I'll start this off with an anecdote. Picture the scene at 6pm at Woking. I've just had an afternoon of shorthand at university (death by squiggles), have had to walk back to the station in the rain, spent 20 minutes on a train looking out into the gloomy, depressive weather outside and have just walked to the bus station expecting a bus to take me home in about 5 minutes.

So I wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

It's now 6:20pm and I still haven't been able to get on a bus that should have been at Woking about 15 minutes ago. I asked a bus driver where the bus was and he said, in craptacular English, "I don't know."

So, I've spent 20 minutes in the rain (that, may I add, got worse and worse as time went on) waiting for something to take my home and that is your best excuse?

Buses are the sinners of public transport. In the last year, only half of my buses have actually managed to come on time. Why? Because the drivers are either overpaid, fat, lazy, foreigners with no grasp of the English language, a combination of the above or all four. Forget complaining about trains - they are actually fucking reliable! Why should I pay £4 for a return ticket for such shoddy service?

My girlfriend also had a bad experience with buses late last year. She didn't want to cycle back home in the rubbish weather, but instead wanted to take the bike with her on a bus back. The previous times she has done this, it was fine. But the driver on this one occassion decided that he wanted to go on a power trip, and deny her from going on the bus.

What's even more staggering about this is that this is not breaking the code of conduct! It quite clearly says in the Arriva Conditions of Carriage document, on page 4, that it is up to the driver's discretion to allow someone on a bus with a bike. I understand that it would not be acceptable to take a bike on a very crowded bus but that rule is set in stone and something that drivers take advantage of far too easily.

Sheep

I used to be fairly religious. No really, I’m not kidding! However, this was a result of my mother being well aware that at the tender and impressionable age of around six a figure such as ‘God’ would be really appealing, considering the other imaginary creations abound in my imagination. (That tooth fairy bitch still scares the shit out of me, being so close to my head whilst I sleep peacefully. Is that how people die in their sleep?)

But, with the advantage of growing up with a fairly sensible mind, that is capable of forming its own opinions and feelings, I looked at the whole Christianity thing and shuddered. And it’s not just the Jesus lovers that stir a certain strain of anger within me, but any and all organised religion.

“Oh but Mike, you don’t understand! It’s all about the leap of faith!” I hear you scream at your monitor, trying to force your beliefs upon my perfectly happy mind. “Wait!” I reply, “A leap of faith you say? Well what a perfect justification for dedicating your whole life to pissing everyone off with your oh so considerate worry for where we’ll end up once we’ve kicked the bucket.

Apart from the fact that all these people are nearly dead, has no-one stopped to think how 'Gods' benevolence brought the torture of Songs of Praise to the world?

This isn’t so much a rant on religion. Some people just need religion in their lives to find a purpose, just like a sixty year old man whose wife has lost her sex drive has to rely on Amsterdam’s finest export or how students need a certain amount of daytime television to cope with the vast amounts of work that drinking and love-making entail.

But the problem for me here is the people who preach their view on the world, and allow for no argument to silence them, and have so little respect for the way other humans choose to live their lives. It makes the Klu Klux Klan come across as a collection of mature, conscientious adults.

Whilst grabbing some lunch last week, I witnessed a horrifically ugly man and his horrifically ugly wife walk up outside the pizza shop. Whilst waiting for the pizza to cook, we watched as this man pulled out a small book, stood in the middle of the square and immediately began preaching. Words from the Bible, words that he has lived by, words that have seen him lead a happy and successful life – and here he was! Telling us lucky pedestrians how we could also walk into the path of righteousness beside him!

Now. As much as I don’t want to compare my quality of life to someone else’s, at that moment in time I was 98.4% sure that no matter what he said, the fact that he was shouting to terrified people as they walked past, and the fact that he looked like the hobo who is beaten up near the beginning of A Clockwork Orange completely contradicted the so called happiness he claimed God had brought him.

This here is an example of the average Christian's sense of humour - I would like to suggest that death has more comedic appeal.

So, don’t take it the wrong way if you’re of a religious nature. Whatever makes you happy, really. But the moment you start trying to force other people into your lifestyle, is the moment you become just another member of religion’s S.S. I’ll close with a quote from L. Ron Hubbard. He might have been a mental, and he might have come up with one of the most laughable celebrity religions, but he was right when he said one thing: “The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion.”

Who wants to watch other people live their lives?

Ok, so what is the deal with Reality TV shows?! Why do people find it so fascinating watching other people live?! Have we really got to the point where all we do is want to watch other people?! What happened to having a life?

Personally I hate reality TV shows. I really don't see the purpose behind them! Big Brother, Survivor, I'm A Celebrity... why? At the beginning when there was just Big Brother it was a novelty but every time you turn the TV on all there that's on is Reality TV shows or game shows! I dread when I start seeing ads for Big Brother coming soon, I just think; "Great, another six weeks or longer of having nothing on E4 and Channel 4 but this!"

I know many people like them (otherwise they wouldn't be so popular) but what is it that makes these shows so good? Is it because you don't have a life and want to make up for it by watching someone have a life? Is it because you are jealous of them or is it merely because you like watching other people? I used to watch Fame Academy when it first started but that isn't merely a reality show, and some of the people had really good singing voices, but after the first season of it I stopped watching it.

There are so many programmes I would prefer to watch and that could probably gain the same amount of viewers, so why do producers insist on showing so many reality shows?

Crappy Sketch Shows

Why oh why do channels such as BBC 2 and BBC Three commission such crappy comedy sketch shows. The channels which have given us the likes of The Mighty Boosh, Shooting Stars, The Office and Alan Partridge to mention a few. So if they can make great judgement like that, then why do they put shows on like Little Miss Jocelyn and Tittybangbang? Does it not occur to them it will turn viewers off.? It's like feeding your cat whiskers tins then feeding it dry biscuits - it just doesn’t work. Why deprive it? Why deprive us? They can use this money to pump into new series of other great shows, or developing new talent.

It's not only the BBC who are responsible for this crime, other culprits include Channel Four. Their latest creation, Alan Carr’s Celebrity Ding Dong is a crime against humanity, let alone comedy. It really doesn’t make sense how they can put this show on the same channel as Peep Show and the IT Crowd. It’s a clear example of high up executives having too much time on their hands and a clear lack of creativity. Speaking of lack of creativity, another thing which gets on my nerves is catchphrase comedy. It’s a cheap way to get laughs. Fair enough the first couple of times you hear it you will laugh, but constantly repeated the laughs dry up very quickly. Catherine Tate is someone who has cashed in on this process. The Catherine Tate Show I have to admit did have its funny moments but with the same rubbish, annoying characters doing pretty much the same thing over and over again it just doesn’t work.

Shows have been on which didn’t receive the recognition they deserved as well, such as Garth Marengi’s Dark Place and Big Train. Both were hit comedies but nothing has been heard of a second series and it remains quite specialist comedy. Some may say underground. From most people I talk to, little to no-one has heard of these such shows. Not saying I am the most educated person in comedy but I know when I am being conned.

I DON'T.

Despite the constant abuse from my peers I do not see myself as being particularly old, yet it seems I've reached a point in my life when all my friends have decided to get married, something which definitely should not be considered until one is decidedly aged. In the past 9 months alone I have been invited to no less than 5 weddings of close friends and family including my own mothers, which in itself holds enough grievances for an entire blog.

It's not that I particularly mind the invitations themselves, indeed I am flattered to be selected as worthy for the precious places on the matrimonial lists to witness the big "I do", its just that weddings are bloody expensive. Yes I realize the ten of thousands of pounds spent on beautiful dresses, overpriced marquees and awful evening bands, but the expense I'm referring to is mine as the guest.

Take this wedding I've been invited to in April. Not only will it take up one of my precious Saturdays normally spent in bed, but its on my flipping birthday as well! Can you believe the cheek? Not only do they want to make a public declaration of their sickening in-loveness but they want to do it on my birthday! What's worse, the couple in question have made it impossible to avoid the occasion by requesting my involvement in the service too...clever...very clever. Attendance isn't enough, they want endorsement too.

The point of course isn't that I begrudge them their special day, its more the huge increase that my ever-expanding overdraft will incur that infuriates me. The wedding itself is in Perth (Scotland not Australia - though I did have the sense to turn down an invitation to another wedding in Sydney a few weeks ago - that I thought, was asking too much). I do not know Perth or, more to the point, do not know anyone who can put me up in Perth and therefore not only do I have to spend eighty quid on a train ticket but will also have to fork out another seventy quid, at least, on two nights in a less than sanitary B&B. As for pre and post wedding eating arrangements, I shall just have to starve, the student purse strings will not allow otherwise.

With transport and accommodation now totaling somewhere in the region of £150, I am more than reluctant to purchase a wedding present, perhaps I should adapt one of those shitty cards, you know the type...

I was going to buy you an amazing wedding present....

...but I just spent a hundred and fifty fucking pounds getting here!

Alas I am British I so instead will spend hours perusing their John Lewis wedding list, in search of an inexpensive (if that's possible) but non stingy gift. For all this effort there had better be plenty of free champagne on the day. At least I know there'll be an abundance of beer and sausage waiting for me when I have to the whole thing over again in Germany this August!

You Are Not Beautiful, You Are Not Unique.

Thousands of people every year must look in the mirror and be disappointed. Then to try and redeem their self esteem they try their hand at singing, dancing or juggling. And it never works, they are still the same useless, talent-less and delusional human being. A recent television “phenomenon” has highlighted this fact and at the same decided to exploit this hunger for fame. That’s right; I’m talking about the talent reality shows which we cannot escape, like the X Factor, American Idol and Fame Academy.

I live in a generation which has been brought up by television. We have grown to believe that some day we will all become celebrities. And the reality is, we won’t and we should start learning this fact. Each contestant walks in front of the judges to show off their talent. These people are unaware of their effect on other human beings! Can’t they see they are just a very expendable tool in a marketing exercise which is camouflaged as prime time television?! Tell me, name one star that has come out of these factories which has showed staying power? If you can, then you are following a lost cause, a slowly sinking ship in the media ocean.

The whole set up of these programmes disgusts me. Its tacky stainless steel stage, the overemotional (and therefore more insincere) lighting and the background music which resembles an insipid ringtone. I should find this modern, but instead I find that this is a variation on a theme. A clapped out stage used in the 1980s for Stars in Their Eyes. It doesn’t inspire as to what is to become the next superficial craze to manipulate the masses.

I don’t feel sorry for these gullible people who think “they have what it takes.” If anything they deserve to be told that, no, they cannot sing and, yes, they should persist with the trolley pushing job at the local supermarket. I mean, it’s the nicer thing to do. I don’t think it's right to dress these freaks up as normal and put them on stage.



Just face facts, You have no real talent

Idiots at the cinema

I am not a fan of going to the cinema often. I go on the odd occassion but never enough to make a person who is into films. There's a reason why. There are some many idiots who actually go there and make everyone else's viewing of a film annoyingly frustrating.

Last month I went to see Juno at the Odeon in Guildford on Valentine's Day (me and my ladyfriend both hate the commercial side of the day but we felt like we had to do something rather than nothing). The film was good and it would have been a near-perfect viewing had it not been for a group of chavs. These morons were using their phones to take pictures off each other, whispering loudly and every 10 minutes or so, two of these chavs would leave the row meaning that our time was spent playing a mindboggling game of Sit Down, Stand Up.

And yesterday, I went to see the Muse DVD at the Vue cinema in Fulham with a group of friends. Again, I enjoyed the actual film. I just got a bit bemused and a bit pissed off at some of the antics. During the second song of the concert, this middle-aged man, clearly experiencing some sort of mid-life crisis, decided to get out of his seat and air guitar right in the middle of the floor. What an absolute tool! I did wonder at that point if he had stumbled into the wrong film with 3D glasses hoping to see U23D.

Also, alcohol in the cinema is a bad idea. In the row in front of us were these two women (also experiencing what looks like a mid-life crisis) who kept shouting loudly and cheering towards the second half of the film. I really wanted someone to chuck them out because they were just pissing me off no end.

And also, come to think of it, some other people are bizzare. One person brought in a bloody laptop! And not just any laptop, a dirty Macbook! He was told to put it away but it boggles me why, whilst watching a film, you would feel the need to actually use a laptop. The cinema staff also chucked out a couple of people for recording it. I find it bizzare that, even though you can buy the DVD in less than a week and it will all be up on YouTube following the release anyway, people still feel like they need to record it. At least for a music film anyway.

I think I'm sticking to DVDs at home for the forseeable future.

Jack Black.

Given the recent furore over the incoming Ben Stiller directed film, ‘Tropic Thunder,’ I decided it was about time to vent my pure hatred for the ‘comedy’ actor Jack Black. One of the most gut wrenchingly horrible persons ever to grace the cinema screen, and a person who, instead of taking the piss out of war, should be sent to the frontlines so the armies of Allah can pulverise his soulless body.

I know this isn’t going to go down well – everyone and anyone I’ve met seem to be under the impression that Jack Black is a pure comedy genius. I have also noticed that the majority of these people are dead inside, with little or no reason to live and therefore at this juncture I’d just like to warn you that, given my fundamental scientific study of the area, if you find this man funny then you are dead inside as well.

To justify what I’ve said a little bit, I will say that I have no problem with some of the other members of what is known in the Hollywood comedy circle as ‘The Rat Pack”. Vince Vaughn made a pretty good performance in Dodgeball, Will Ferrel is brilliant in Anchorman and Steve Carrel was the only good thing about the rather lacklustre Evan Almighty.

But there is something about Jack Black that just causes my body to spasm into a fit of rage, inevitably leading to me clawing away at my eyeballs. Fortunately, I wear glasses, so I just end up with scratched lenses, causing me to view the world through broken glasses. However if I was to get run over by a car due to the fact I couldn’t see, it would be Jack Black's fault.

There is not only the fact that his sense of humour is akin to that of a troglodyte but I am convinced that he is a paedophile in hiding. This is a man who assumed the role of a teacher, illegally, in order to get closer to a group of minors with whom he formed inappropriate relationships with to further his own career in music.

In this image we see Jack leading his victims out of the town to his dungeon.

And on the subject of music, Tenacious D, Black’s project with his ironically named fellow ice cream lover friend Kyle Gass, is so devoid of any comedy that it’s almost akin to listening to the screams of the Titanic victims. Seriously, guys – the joke was old by the end of the music video for ‘Tribute’. It’s the same worn joke repeated ad infinitum, to the extent where they somehow managed to stretch it out to an appalling film.

I don’t know what makes me angrier. The fact that this idiot has actually managed to make a successful career out of being ‘zany’ and ‘off the wall’, whilst comedians with actual talent such as the lads behind The League of Gentlemen remain unknown to most audiences. Or maybe what really makes my blood boil is that people not only buy into this unoriginal trash, but…find it funny. Jesus wept people, Jesus wept.

Queueing!

One thing that really bugs me is queueing! Everywhere you go you have to queue to get what you want. We must waste days of our lives queueing.

I went to see Kate Nash the other night at the Hammersmith Apollo in London. Now, as my friend and I were seated we arrived after the doors opened thinking that the queue would have gone down.

Normally for gigs I get standing tickets but there were none left which meant we didn't bother getting there early to get a good spot. But, we arrived at the venue at about 7:30pm (doors opened at 7) and the queue was huge! The thing is, I am fine for queueing up for gigs when I am standing because fair enough the earlier you get there the better your chance of getting a good place near the front. But when you have been allocated a seat, thus eliminating the need to queue, what's the point? It isn't as if the seated people have to rush to get a good seat near the front because everyone knows where they are sitting, so why not have two seperate queues? One for standing and one for seated! Maybe this is too logical, or perhaps the reason would be because they may have to put more staff on the doors if they did that?

But, it isn't just gig queueing. Any queuing at all, why do we always have to queue? At supermarkets when they only open three tills and there are three huge queues and about fifteen empty checkouts with no staff on them. Many queues could be avoided, or at least cut down simply by employing more staff. But that's the problem! Companies do not want to hire more staff, thus increasing their wage bill and decreasing their profit just to make our lives easier do they?

The thing is, queueing would be much easier if you didn't have queue jumpers. You know who I mean, the people who think they can just walk in front of you and cut in line even though you have been waiting there for half an hour and have just got to the front. Who do they think they are? I don't care if your friend is there, or if you need to dash, a queue is not there to be cut into!

I went to another gig a few weeks ago in London, to see Mika. There were these foreign people who had just arrived at the venue. By this time we had already been queueing for a good few hours, they decide to try and cut in front of us. This happened several times during the day, and surprise, surprise the majority of them were foreign. Is it only the British that know the concept of queuing? All I have to say to them is I hope to god that those people do not represent the whole country's attitude towards queuing!

Fickle football fans

It’s always brilliant to listen to fans arguing about football in the pub or pretty much anywhere to be honest. One always seems to know more, and what is even better is the one who stays quiet then pretty much repeat exactly the same thing as one of the other people sat around the table.

I was watching the Carling Cup final at a local pub a little while ago, and the first thing that struck me as peculiar was the amount of Tottenham fans were there, and the second was how they were shouting at the screen. Firstly, fans only seem to appear when big matches are on. If so why not actually go to the match? This doesn’t only concern Tottenham fans but also other clubs outside the top four, maybe except Newcastle when you can tell who are supporting the Toon.

During the final every Tottenham fan seemed to be mates with the players. Instead of using their nicknames or even surnames they insisted on calling them by their Christian name. For example, Paul Robinson made a save towards the end of the match and three fans jumped up and shouted, “good save Paul!” Do these people know him personally or something? Maybe they could be family members? I just don’t know why but they do it. Earlier within the same match Alan Hutton chased a Chelsea player and tackled him. The same fans behind me jumped up and shouted, “well done Al!”Again are they personal friends of him? Why not use a nickname or, even better, not do it at all? What made me laugh even more was the fact that half of the so-called supporters left even before they had lifted the trophy. They must have been going to meet the players because of course they were best of friends.

I have never had the urge to shout at the television while the football is on. It just causes annoyance to the other people watching it. If I were to do it when I was home my mother would just tell me to shut up. It doesn’t make sense to me the players can’t hear you. Obviously the louder you shout at the screen the better the players will play. It never occurred to me before I may have to start doing it.

Damn The Sock Thief!

OK, so its laundry day, a traumatic event which I only allow to interfere with my daily routine if absolutely essential. I scrabble around my floor extracting all manner of clothing thought to be MIA, and soon manage to fill my duvet cover to overflowing (Yes I should probably buy a laundry basket, but they just don't make them big enough).

I tend to tackle this mammoth task in the earlier hours of the morning so as to avoid the disapproving glares of other (more hygiene conscious) students, lounging about in their gardens as I drag my Santa Sack of laundry surprises along the street. To add to my discomfort the only clean clothes I have to wear during the awful process are those which I haven't chosen to wear for the several preceding weeks, leaving me looking in a state somewhere between a jumble sale and a road accident.

Having negotiated my way down to the laundry room, I now have the dilemma of choosing whether I want my clothes hard pressed and 60% of their original size or still full sized but not particularly clean, the only two options allowed by these "student safe" machines. In fear for my Primark woolens I settle for half clean pay my £2 and make my way, stealth mode, back to my flat to hide out until the cycle ends.

Washing and drying over I begin to fold away my clothes (if I do this quick enough, while they're still warm, I can avoid ironing) and am soon left with a pile of socks to be paired up and put away. The trouble is, on closer observation it appears that hardly any of the socks can be paired up. I stand bemused in front of my pile of mismatched hosiery. How can this be? A brief look around my room reveals that I hadn't left any odd ones unwashed and after a quick change in to some more respectable clothing and a leisurely jaunt back down to the laundry room I find no trace of the offending items there. By now I've convinced myself that I definitely put all my socks in the wash, and my bemusement has turned anger, sodding, sock eating pile of shit! Whilst logic tells me the mashing machine does not have a personal vendetta against me and my socks, I am convinced otherwise and it appears I am not alone in my suspicions.

In a bid to find out exactly where my missing socks had gone I ransacked the internet and ventured upon a stupid amount of ridiculous theories on the subject that's been puzzling humans worldwide for years. Amongst them the blame was laid on washing machines, animals, bandits, thieves and my personal favorite, an animation depicting a secret passage from the mashing machine to a sock monster vending machine.

Be all of them beyond insane, these theories hold some solace in that others empathize with my frustration. I wonder If any Americans have taken Hotpoint to court over this? In this case I would not disapprove.

Is Consumerism Consuming the Consumer?

Throughout the world in which we live in, we are constantly bombarded by advertising. So much so that we are not aware. The big corporations name everything. They name the water we drink, they name the bread we eat, they name the mattress we sleep on. And the thing that annoys me the most is that people fall for it. Each day we spend our money on unnecessary crap which we don’t need, in order to define one's self. To me, this signals two things. The first being, does this signal the collapse of society? As when purchasing these random items we are building a sentiment with the brand name, a lustful relationship with the product, and what for? Is the western world going backwards, as members of its population feel the need to relate with an object rather than each other. The second being, by creating brands, is this a subtle attempt at a corporation trying to implement social control? Why is it that these corporations advertise? I shall tell you. It’s because they want to make you feel as if your life is not completely or permanently fulfilled.

Let me put it to you this way. You buy a piece of jewellery to wear when going out, and for whatever reason it breaks. The friendly salesman knew that it was going to break. It's smart business sense because you either buy a new one or you buy something else completely. The friendly salesman also knows that if the piece of jewellery does survive it will soon be out of date because of the changing fashion trends. Either way, steady profits are assured to the friendly salesman. But this is at the cost of the of the consumers psychological wellbeing as you can never be completely satisfied with what you already have in your life.

Take the drinks firm Coca-Cola for example. Coco-Cola was recently named the world’s biggest brand, being estimated to be worth a comfortable £39 billion. On its website, it states that the Coca-Cola “mission” is…

• To refresh the world - in mind, body and spirit
• To inspire moments of optimism - through our brands and actions, and
• To create value and make a difference - everywhere we engage

They Care So Much About You...And The Contents of Your Wallet

To me, this is a fairly vague set of objectives for a company which controls over 4000 brands across the world. And as it is clear to see, Coca-Cola are no longer selling a beverage, but they are selling a way of life, “The Coke Side of Life” if you will. This is just one example of how one corporation has affected your life without you even being aware. And I'm not keen on this idea.

Public transport at gigs

Last Friday I went to see Apocalyptica at the Forum in Kentish Town. I enjoyed it all all except for one small thing. Rush hour public transport. There is no worse a time to travel on the train than the rush hour because they are so damn packed. I am either left sitting next to someone who I've never met in my life, never would want to meet and might occassionally stink because they haven't used deodrant. Either that or I'm standing, which, on a moving train, can be the least enjoyable thing ever.

And then when I get to Waterloo, I hit the tubes. That is even worse. If you ever needed to explain to someone the meaning of the phrase 'packed like sardines' then there is no better example than the tube at rush hour. You have no room to breathe because people are squashing you to a pulp and you can't look up because someone is trying to read their bloody tube book above your head. Where's the damn logic?!

And then when you get a train back, the train is deserted of drunkards, people eating Burger King that stinks or older, middle aged people wearing dinner party suits. There is just no space for me and once again I end up standing, even though my feet are dying from standing at the gig I've just been to.

Grrr.

The PC World Adverts

If a store like that can have Super as a prefix, then how shit must Superman have really been?

I think its common knowledge that adverts are one of God’s inventions that hasn’t gone down too well. This is no surprise considering he was taking advice from that ever so popular figure, Adolf Hitler.

But, like them or not, they will be here to stay for the rest of our miserable existences, as we rot in front of the television, eating our microwaved curries and wondering if our nipples might be too low.

But there is one advert that sends me into such a rage every time I see it, that I have been known to take a cat to the television screen, which in turn causes the entire feline population of my home town to hate it. It’s that bad.

I am talking about the PC World adverts. Adverts that are so mind numbingly horrible that you would rather watch Gene Simmons of KISS fame make fat, whaleman love. A series of adverts whose revolving cast make you wonder why George Bush hasn’t declared a war on them yet. Haven’t a clue what I’m talking about? Watch this clip and see the horror for yourselves:



Rubbed the cat hair off your screen yet? Then allow me to continue. For some reason, in order to promote and sell the product, which is in this case an overpriced laptop, the advertisers decided a great concept would be to have the staff taking an active interest in what they are selling. This means taking the laptops out of their packaging to have a quick gander, shake it about a bit, and breathe their pestilent PC World whore breaths all over it.

The women (who do they think they are kidding? It is scientific fact that women know next to nothing about computers, let alone work in a computer store so far removed from the safe confines of the kitchen.) proceed to babble on about how amazing this holy laptop is, extolling it’s virtues as if it was some new breakthrough in washing up liquid technology, only with ‘computer words’ like "Intel" and "Core".

What’s more, these adverts are all the same. A stream of bloody tools, screaming from the rooftops about how amazing the products they are selling are. Here’s a concept that I’d like to suggest – if it’s so fucking good, THEN BUY ONE YOURSELF YOU SELF FORNICATING BASTARDS .

Of course, the advert is complete bollocks. Everyone is well aware that PC World only employs seventeen year old boys with faces that a fish and chip shop owner would die to have five minutes with and whose technical knowledge extends to the "plugging it in" phase of computer building.

In conclusion, I’d like to quote one of my favorite comedians, Bill Hicks, who despite now being dead seems to have written this message for the sole person who concocted this rage-inducing example of Nazi propaganda:

Tacky Youtube videos!!!

Ok, so on YouTube there are lots of funny, good clips and some that could be classed as at least 'interesting' but there are quite a few out there which make you think; "what made them think that people would want to watch this?" or just simply; "wtf???". But nonetheless there are people out there that do watch these clips and one video in particular which I feel has received way too much publicity is Chris Crocker.

If you haven't heard of him, he is an American transvestite who often posts video blogs stating his opinion. His most popular blog post is the "Leave Britney alone" post which gained 17,373,256 views and many spoofs and links to this video. I mean, come on people, it is a guy dressed as a girl ranting about what he doesnt like or if people bitch about him. Who wants to watch that?

Put your health first

I recently had a doctor’s appointment and felt more ill when I left that place to be honest. I went in with a minor complaint, which has been bothering me for a while now. I described all the symptoms to this particular doctor and they pretty much stared back at me blankly. The week before that a trainee doctor was sitting in on these short sessions. Described my symptoms to her and she had no clue of what was going on. The senior doctor baffled on for a bit before coming to a half-hearted conclusion. All I seem to get is rest it. I have rested it but yet it persists. Thanks a lot, you sit there and count your money and I will just carry on in pain.

Another appointment concerning some antibiotics which were clearly not working. I arrived to the surgery on time waiting to be seen by the doctor. The doctor finally calls me in (about forty-five minutes after my set time). I sit in the chair explain what has been going on. I haven’t seen any improvement. He looks me straight in the eye and calmly says I am wrong. I am wrong? Excuse me I’m the one who has been using these antibiotics for the past three months with nothing happening. I don’t understand why they don’t listen. I reckon they get taught key words in their massively extensive university lives. Once you say one of these words it sends them down a world wind trail of their own. It could be this? It could be that? You never receive a straight answer. I for one never receive a straight answer.

I had the pleasure of undergoing surgery. The hospital staff were the nicest people you could ever meet but I seriously have to question their medical knowledge. As soon as I had woken up, the physiotherapist insisted on showing me exercises I would have to do to aid my recovery. Happy with what I had been told, waiting to be discharged a nurse comes over and tells me that I shouldn’t do them as it could increase the chances of the original injury reoccurring. Nice job!

Allow me to introduce my daughter: Bed

Is it just me or is the world of new parents in some grand competition to see who can embarrass their kids the most ridiculous names? Argh, it seems I find myself on a rant about names once again. Do not be alarmed, my plans to procreate are safely locked away in a part of my brain that denies its own existence, but this subject still really irritates me. I hold celebrities responsible. As 'news' is rapidly being redefined as celebrity culture it is near impossible to avoid the the weekly announcements of some new celebrity offspring's arrival, whether it be a blessing from the Gods of Scientology or just your average day of excruciating labor. And along with all the wonderful details of child birth we are also imposed with there bizarre names splashed over magazine stands.

Take Chris Martin, while Coldplay remain my guilty pleasure in the Pop World and I would not normally admit to any wrong doing on their part, I cannot ignore the fact that him and his wife, the beautiful Gwyneth Paltrow called their daughter Apple! That's not a name, its a fruit as, Mr Geldof, are Peaches. What is wrong with these people, do they really want there children to be forever likened to food?

If fruit doesn't take your fancy, you could always do as the Beckham's did for Brooklyn and use the place of conception to name your sprog. You can see it now, hundreds of kids running round Britain with names like Weston-super-Mare, Padstow or just Bed which is, I imagine, where most babies are conceived.

Then you've got the religious type and my family are the worst offenders for this. Most of my cousins are 2 or 3 kids in by now, but its seems they are all set on giving their children biblical names and there is in fact a website for just such parents. This alone wouldn't be much of a problem, only I have 37 cousins and there just aren't that many normal names in the bible. Inevitably I have ended up with second cousins called Zechariah, Zephaniah, Solomon, Caleb and Gabriel, I kid you not! Again, did their parents not think of the bullying potential here?

In my naivety I did not realize the magnitude of the baby naming community, people actually sign up to websites to discuss their chosen names with other new parents. Is this why our country allows people maternity leave, to sit on "babynames.com" all day pondering the benefits of choosing Carrot over Elijah? Or worse, watching Baby Names TV with all the latest celebrity baby gossip, name choices, and Miranda Margaret, possibly the most annoying presenter I've ever seen!



A note of thanks to my own parents for not calling us inanimate objects or an obscure biblical characters but sticking with good strong British names. Normality; I salute you.

I Hate Animal Charity Guilt Trips

Don't you just hate it when you're watching television, chilling out, eating food that you yourself have worked very hard for and you're made to feel guilty when an advert about the less fortunate in life comes on to make you feel bad. The worst is the RSPCA and the Dog's Trust, when you are forced to watch some cat or dog in a cardboard box or empty house (clearly out of harms way), being personified by a human voice with an overly pathetic tone to try and remotely touch the sentiments of the viewer, and this goes on for a whole thirty seconds (if we are lucky, and providing we don't change the channel). Yes, we get it, there are animals out there which are being abused. But let’s face it - unless it’s in your interest, they are clearly not on the list of your priorities.

OK, I can understand that some of these charities do not get government funding when they deserve it, and it does alert the world of the scum who harm animals, but at least if you're going to beg for money at least treat your viewers and potential donators as adults. We know that cats and dogs can't talk, and we know that they look helplessly downtrodden in a certain light. Just give us the phone number and leave it to us.

Below is the latest RSPCA advert starring the voices of Fearne Cotton and Simon Cowell. I respect the celebrities for doing the advert, except for the poor quality of the advert. Two things, the first is that the advert mimics a talent show like that of X Factor or Pop Idol. To me this doesn’t treat the subject matter with respect but instead gives the impression of “which animal do you want to save?” Secondly, is it me or does Simon Cowell lack enthusiasm?



Somehow I don't think these charities would want more abused animals, just out of spite of the adverts. Let me point something else out. Cats, dogs and hamsters are not endangered species. Are they aware that humans themselves have a more serious agenda, like famine, war and child abuse? Perhaps they should be more sensitive to the political climate of the time.

But please, don’t let me be misunderstood, I’m not concerned with the charities themselves, I think they are doing an outstanding job; it’s just they need to review their style of advertising.

Storms

I like walking. More specifically, I like walking outside. Especially when the weather is nice for it - think sunny. At this time of year, a sunny day with a breeze that isn't too chilly is considered perfect for walking.

The people behind the weather machine today didn't seem to agree. They thought that the perfect conditions for walking were heavy rain, strong winds and thunder and lightning. Why not walk in pristine stillness when you could be marching your way into the apocalypse? Of course! Everyone wants to walk into the apocalypse!

No they don't. I'm pretty sure you get the gist of this rant now and I'm pretty sure you'll all agree with me about this grievance. I'm not the only person today who's suffered from the weather from Hell.

What annoys me more is the timing. March is supposed to be the time where the weather is not too cold but slightly chilly, breezy but not full out gusty and sunny but not all of the time. It's also supposed to remind me that hayfever season is looming, but that's another rant altogether. It's not supposed to be the equivalent of God waking up on the wrong side of the bed and unleashing his fury on us meer mortals.

By the time I got into university, I was soaked from walking during the peak of the bad weather. My hair was a mess, and when you have hair that is long and needs a cut it can be a real hinderance, my jacket was damp, my jeans were soaked and I could feel the rainwater in my shoes. My jacket still isn't fully dry.

And when I got into my lesson, the sun came out. What a kick in the teeth.

Government Websites.

The internet is fantastic isn’t it? You can watch sad, lonely people talk into a camera, anonymously purchase suspicious sexual objects, and spend hours wasting time reading online comics.

But the internet can be genuinely helpful as well. There was a time when we had to apply for things using paper forms. Those days, or so I’m told, were horrible, dark times. Queues of old, smelly, unhygienic people lining up outside the local post office, fighting for the attention of the mysterious people who never come out of their glass window booths.

Incedently, if you happen to have a fetish for old people, the post office is the place to go. I'm telling you, they do it all.

However, now with the invention of the internet, such memories are a thing of the past. Now you can apply for things such as a driving license or a university application online. From the comfort of your home. Naked.

But of course things haven’t really changed have they? It’s just another façade for the same old problems. Last week I decided I would finally apply for a provisional driving license. Simple you might think. Oh, don’t be silly.

The government seem to have an affection for using bizarre, impossible to remember sequences of numbers for user ID’s on their website. They call it a ‘Government Gateway User ID’. I call it ‘A Load of Bollocks’.

However, the process for applying online for a driving license is nothing compared to the suicide inducing punishment that is UCAS, and the Student Loans Company.

Managing? Barely coping more like. And stop smiling.

With images of smiling students dotted about the website, who I can only assume got their parents to apply for them, you are innocently lulled into a false sense of security. But it isn’t too soon before you realise that you have entered into an online world of sheer pain. This is worse than Second Life. Ouch.

It would seem there is a lack of communication between the internet application form and the mindless government representatives that actually process your future. Despite doing everything the website asked me, UCAS insisted that I hadn’t actually applied properly, and then changed its mind and just decided that I hadn’t sent them enough of my personal details. Even though my identity had been put into that other great British institution – the post - months ago.

By the end of my application process, the relationship between my keyboard and I had nearly escalated into blind violence.

I know it’s easy to pick on the poor government. And I’ll give them their due, they’ve made a bit of effort to make all this application nonsense a bit easier for us all. I will remain eternally grateful for the opportunity to apply for things naked (the post office didn’t seem to like that idea) but I do think it’s about time they worked on the actual function of the sites before they put effort into making it look pretty – you can’t polish a poo (well, you can, but it’s a messy business that I’d rather not get into right now!).

Useless junk, why???

One thing that annoys me about the modern world is the amount of junk there is out there! Most people call them gadgets but really they are objects that people think they want but, more importantly, don't actually need! One example of this is the new Nokia phone which is in production stages at the moment. This phone can also be a bracelet. I mean why do we need a phone that is also a bracelet?

A mobile is used to phone people and now you want it as a piece of jewellery as well? Why?

Other things which I find are pointless are things like the usb gadgets. You can buy a usb missile launcher for those who want to annoy people with silly rubber arrows. You can even get a usb Doctor Who Tardis, which is a multi usb port hub and when you plug in the usb leads the Tardis flashes and...wait for it...it even has the original Tardis sounds...I mean how sad can people be? Why do you need a flashing Tardis on your desk? The worst thing is that the organisers of this site decided that the usb gadgets needed to be put on the essential gadget page...what is an essential gadget? Is there such thing as an ESSENTIAL gadget? Maybe things like swiss army knives, but since when did the public need things such as usb devices to clutter our desks and annoy workmates or whoever walks past your computer!

But, if you think the usb devices are bad enough, look at this. It is a remote control which you use to control your man. So, does it have some sort of mind control device? No. Maybe it uses some sort of radio waves? Nope. Or maybe you have to place something on the guy and when you press the remote it sends a little shock through him? (I was really hoping this one would be true but as always) no. So what does it do? Well, according to the site it "offers the complete set of behaviour-altering tools, enabling the female user to dictate the topic of conversation, suspend slob-like behaviour, turn the male ego off, request flowers and so on." But how? It looks to me as if it is just a load of rubbish! But, unfortunately there are many people out there who fell for this gadget, as to my horror, it is SOLD OUT! I mean how? Why?

There are just some things that cannot be explained and people buying gadgets that they neither need nor particularly want that much cannot be explained! Except for this...people can be very gullible!

Art?

Going to an arts college, you are pretty much surrounded by it. Now, I can appreciate a well-drawn portrait of someone or a landscape painting, but abstract artists just don’t make sense. How can someone scribble on a page then call it art? Its not art. It's just being lazy. You can feed these “open-minded”, and I mean open-minded but some may call it naive, critics anything you want and they will believe it. Have a quick browse at Jackson Pollock’s work. Enough said really. how is that art? He has just slung some paint at a white page.

There is an exhibition at the Tate at the moment where someone has signed some urinals. How is that art?! Even I could do that, and I’m not the best artist in the world. I could probably get the award for the worst. The art world seems to be revolving artists who are controversial and already have a name. The bigger the name the more controversial they are.

I used to hate going on art trips during my secondary school days. Art was forced upon me, if I had the chance I would have stopped doing it almost immediately, not only for the teacher being over the top but for the fact nothing within that class made any sense whatsoever. One trip stood out in particular and this was to a special place called the Tate Modern, supposedly the epicentre of modern art. One of the first things I saw in this “fantastic” place was a piano smashed on the floor. Art is one thing but leaving your rubbish in a white room just doesn’t cut it. While walking round I saw a TV playing a video, thought would be a good idea to watch it. Big mistake! What I was about to witness was probably the weirdest thing anyone could see. It was a man standing there naked pleasuring himself with tomato ketchup. Not only is this disturbing enough he then proceed to punch himself in the head with a boxing glove. All this was while he was wearing a freaky mask. Is that creative or just plain weird?

OUT NOW: This film is crap!

Would you not think that after spending literally tens of millions of dollars and goodness knows how many hours of blood, sweat and tears on producing a cinematic masterpiece, you would at least make the effort to give your work a worthy title? To many big names in the film industry, the answer is too frequently, NO!

It appears the art of naming films has fallen at the hands of the dull and obvious. Take for example Snakes on a Plane (what on earth could this film possibly be about?) Picture the scene:

Director: (insert irritating American accent) So, I've got this great movie. We're talking action, thriller, all star cast, a disaster movie based around some snakes on a plane. All it need it needs is a kick ass title. What have you got for me?

Overpaid creative genius: errrm....so its a disaster..... action ...snakes ... on.... plane....

Director: That's it: SNAKES ON A PLANE! Genius! How did I not think of this before?

OK, perhaps my grand perspective on the ins and outs of the film industry is somewhat naïve but I refuse to believe they couldn't have come up with something a little more imaginative. Snakes on a Plane? It hardly leaves you in a state of intrigue and as if this assault on our brains isn't enough, there's a sequel and its title of course is.......SNAKES ON A TRAIN! Somebody tell me this is a joke!

Another offending title to hit the big screen is There Will Be blood. Described beautifully on IMDB as "a story about family, greed, religion, and oil, centered around a turn-of-the-century prospector in the early days of the business," its title instead conjures up images of what could just as well be another cheap teen horror blood bath.

Perhaps not quite as offensive, but far closer to my heart and therefore twice the crime, is the weak attempt at naming the new Indiana Jones film. Far from the excitement evoked by the previous titles, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Temple of Doom and The Last Crusade, the 2008 title, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, leaves you feeling like someone just pulled the plug on your space hopper; deflated.

My current top title in the battle for the obscure and the just plain crap has to be recently released film, Jumper. I hate to disappoint but this isn't the laundry based film phenomena you'd been waiting for. There will be no talk of cashmere or advisory washing temperatures. This film is in fact about a genetic anomaly that allows a young man to teleport himself, "of course," I hear you say, "how did I not get that from the title!". Who comes up with this stuff?! It can't be that hard to get the balance between total obscurity and sheer boredom, after all they've made a whole flipping film!

As for Jumper, if you were really looking forward to the laundry based script, take a look at this alternative trailer from YouTube.

NO! I Don't Like To Ride My Bike!

The things which are most irritating are the things which we can not change. It’s because we can’t change them that are annoying. This is doubly true when you're driving somewhere and you come across a cyclist who is literally all over the place on the road. This is what this rant is about - cyclists! As I far as I can see there is no such thing as a good cyclist on the road. If they are on the pavement, they get in the way of pedestrians and if they're on the road, they run the risk of dying.

Can they not see how much they just get in the way?

Why is it that bicycles get so much good press and the riders are portrayed as some kind of heroic martyr. Their argument is that by riding their bike, they are reducing their carbon footprint. The fact of the matter is that cyclists dice with death each time they put their foot on the pedal. Official statistics from the Department of Environmental Transport and Regions (DETR) estimate that you are 30 times more likely to get in an accident using a bicycle and 500 times more likely to not live to tell the tale. This works out that for every kilometre travelled on a bicycle you are 14 times more likely to be seriously injured or die than either walking or riding in a car.

Cars are much safer today than what they were 50 years ago. For instance, emergency breaking and airbags have all been introduced, where as the so called ‘humble’ bike has not. It is still just two wheels and a frame. What is more insulting is that despite the safety ratio between cars and bikes, you need a licence to drive a car and nothing to ride a bike, raising the question of whether it should be the other way round? This also sends out a message that bike riders do not need to know the highway code, when really they are the ones who need it the most.

The only thing that is more dangerous than riding a push bike, is riding a motorbike, and at least they are designed to crumble on impact to help reduce the level of injury. As a driver myself I have come across numerous erratic bicycle riders who simply do not have a clue, and heard of just as many stories of people being injured. This infuriates me because these are things which we may not be able to control, but we are able to implement measures to avoid them.