Idiots at the cinema

I am not a fan of going to the cinema often. I go on the odd occassion but never enough to make a person who is into films. There's a reason why. There are some many idiots who actually go there and make everyone else's viewing of a film annoyingly frustrating.

Last month I went to see Juno at the Odeon in Guildford on Valentine's Day (me and my ladyfriend both hate the commercial side of the day but we felt like we had to do something rather than nothing). The film was good and it would have been a near-perfect viewing had it not been for a group of chavs. These morons were using their phones to take pictures off each other, whispering loudly and every 10 minutes or so, two of these chavs would leave the row meaning that our time was spent playing a mindboggling game of Sit Down, Stand Up.

And yesterday, I went to see the Muse DVD at the Vue cinema in Fulham with a group of friends. Again, I enjoyed the actual film. I just got a bit bemused and a bit pissed off at some of the antics. During the second song of the concert, this middle-aged man, clearly experiencing some sort of mid-life crisis, decided to get out of his seat and air guitar right in the middle of the floor. What an absolute tool! I did wonder at that point if he had stumbled into the wrong film with 3D glasses hoping to see U23D.

Also, alcohol in the cinema is a bad idea. In the row in front of us were these two women (also experiencing what looks like a mid-life crisis) who kept shouting loudly and cheering towards the second half of the film. I really wanted someone to chuck them out because they were just pissing me off no end.

And also, come to think of it, some other people are bizzare. One person brought in a bloody laptop! And not just any laptop, a dirty Macbook! He was told to put it away but it boggles me why, whilst watching a film, you would feel the need to actually use a laptop. The cinema staff also chucked out a couple of people for recording it. I find it bizzare that, even though you can buy the DVD in less than a week and it will all be up on YouTube following the release anyway, people still feel like they need to record it. At least for a music film anyway.

I think I'm sticking to DVDs at home for the forseeable future.

Jack Black.

Given the recent furore over the incoming Ben Stiller directed film, ‘Tropic Thunder,’ I decided it was about time to vent my pure hatred for the ‘comedy’ actor Jack Black. One of the most gut wrenchingly horrible persons ever to grace the cinema screen, and a person who, instead of taking the piss out of war, should be sent to the frontlines so the armies of Allah can pulverise his soulless body.

I know this isn’t going to go down well – everyone and anyone I’ve met seem to be under the impression that Jack Black is a pure comedy genius. I have also noticed that the majority of these people are dead inside, with little or no reason to live and therefore at this juncture I’d just like to warn you that, given my fundamental scientific study of the area, if you find this man funny then you are dead inside as well.

To justify what I’ve said a little bit, I will say that I have no problem with some of the other members of what is known in the Hollywood comedy circle as ‘The Rat Pack”. Vince Vaughn made a pretty good performance in Dodgeball, Will Ferrel is brilliant in Anchorman and Steve Carrel was the only good thing about the rather lacklustre Evan Almighty.

But there is something about Jack Black that just causes my body to spasm into a fit of rage, inevitably leading to me clawing away at my eyeballs. Fortunately, I wear glasses, so I just end up with scratched lenses, causing me to view the world through broken glasses. However if I was to get run over by a car due to the fact I couldn’t see, it would be Jack Black's fault.

There is not only the fact that his sense of humour is akin to that of a troglodyte but I am convinced that he is a paedophile in hiding. This is a man who assumed the role of a teacher, illegally, in order to get closer to a group of minors with whom he formed inappropriate relationships with to further his own career in music.

In this image we see Jack leading his victims out of the town to his dungeon.

And on the subject of music, Tenacious D, Black’s project with his ironically named fellow ice cream lover friend Kyle Gass, is so devoid of any comedy that it’s almost akin to listening to the screams of the Titanic victims. Seriously, guys – the joke was old by the end of the music video for ‘Tribute’. It’s the same worn joke repeated ad infinitum, to the extent where they somehow managed to stretch it out to an appalling film.

I don’t know what makes me angrier. The fact that this idiot has actually managed to make a successful career out of being ‘zany’ and ‘off the wall’, whilst comedians with actual talent such as the lads behind The League of Gentlemen remain unknown to most audiences. Or maybe what really makes my blood boil is that people not only buy into this unoriginal trash, but…find it funny. Jesus wept people, Jesus wept.

OUT NOW: This film is crap!

Would you not think that after spending literally tens of millions of dollars and goodness knows how many hours of blood, sweat and tears on producing a cinematic masterpiece, you would at least make the effort to give your work a worthy title? To many big names in the film industry, the answer is too frequently, NO!

It appears the art of naming films has fallen at the hands of the dull and obvious. Take for example Snakes on a Plane (what on earth could this film possibly be about?) Picture the scene:

Director: (insert irritating American accent) So, I've got this great movie. We're talking action, thriller, all star cast, a disaster movie based around some snakes on a plane. All it need it needs is a kick ass title. What have you got for me?

Overpaid creative genius: errrm....so its a disaster..... action ...snakes ... on.... plane....

Director: That's it: SNAKES ON A PLANE! Genius! How did I not think of this before?

OK, perhaps my grand perspective on the ins and outs of the film industry is somewhat naïve but I refuse to believe they couldn't have come up with something a little more imaginative. Snakes on a Plane? It hardly leaves you in a state of intrigue and as if this assault on our brains isn't enough, there's a sequel and its title of course is.......SNAKES ON A TRAIN! Somebody tell me this is a joke!

Another offending title to hit the big screen is There Will Be blood. Described beautifully on IMDB as "a story about family, greed, religion, and oil, centered around a turn-of-the-century prospector in the early days of the business," its title instead conjures up images of what could just as well be another cheap teen horror blood bath.

Perhaps not quite as offensive, but far closer to my heart and therefore twice the crime, is the weak attempt at naming the new Indiana Jones film. Far from the excitement evoked by the previous titles, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Temple of Doom and The Last Crusade, the 2008 title, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, leaves you feeling like someone just pulled the plug on your space hopper; deflated.

My current top title in the battle for the obscure and the just plain crap has to be recently released film, Jumper. I hate to disappoint but this isn't the laundry based film phenomena you'd been waiting for. There will be no talk of cashmere or advisory washing temperatures. This film is in fact about a genetic anomaly that allows a young man to teleport himself, "of course," I hear you say, "how did I not get that from the title!". Who comes up with this stuff?! It can't be that hard to get the balance between total obscurity and sheer boredom, after all they've made a whole flipping film!

As for Jumper, if you were really looking forward to the laundry based script, take a look at this alternative trailer from YouTube.